Post 3.8 - Kinky Boots

One person's kink is another person's vanilla.

I remember a time period when we all compared notes a lot more. I think as we age, we settle into what we like and don't like and we've tried everything we think is worth trying, and some of the more exotic or unusual activities go somewhat by the wayside. This is a function of busy lives, of feeling like there is less need to impress, and just basically not having the time for an extended event.

But those were the days, weren't they?

I remember in my 20s a lot of talk about doing things that involved ice, combining sensations of hot and cold in key areas (thank you, Kim Basinger). I don't hear so much about that anymore. The latest interesting thing I heard involved an Altoid breath mint in combination with an oral activity. Sounded painful to me, but it was apparently "tingly". Needless to say, this person was a bit younger than me, and I don't think I'll be seeing Altoids incorporated into my adventures any time soon.

I've tried to be open to people and the things they like to do and/or need to get off -- I've sort of prided myself on that willingness. But sometimes these requests can be damned silly, and on one occasion, I just could not stop laughing. But hey, I really did try.

And in fairness, I think (well, ok, I'm sure) there are things that I like that someone might consider kinky, even extreme -- but I feel like if I am trying, so should my partner.

Needless to say, I'm a sex-positive person, but a lot of people aren't. They don't think anyone else has the kinks they do, or they just don't know how to ask for things, or even indicate to their partner they might be willing to explore their partner's kinks. Or maybe they think they are so weird or deviant that they shouldn't be trying some things, even some positions (which I totally can't understand). It doesn't mean that sex isn't ultimately satisfying, but maybe it's not as satisfying as it could be.

So here are some things to think about, and maybe it will help you bring things up. Um, so to speak.

  1. Everybody -- e v e r y b o d y -- is kinky, whether they admit it or not. Everybody has a secret fantasy they may or may not have shared.
  2. Sharing your fantasy, or hearing about your partner's fantasy, does not mean you have to do it. Sometimes (often, actually), reality does not equal the fantasy and can totally ruin it. However, having said that, there may be elements you can discover together that you can incorporate that will spice things up.
  3. Sharing these kinds of thoughts that maybe you've only expressed inside your head to yourself, or by yourself when self-pleasuring, is a really intimate thing. You can dislike what your partner is saying, be uninterested, whatever, but be supportive and really listen. Try and hear what the underlying theme may be, and see if you can determine some of the elements you can incorporate. For example, you might be uncomfortable using a riding crop and being dressed like a Nazi, but a good spank here and there while speaking with a German accent might still give the desired effect. I've only had one partner that required/enjoyed any literal sort of floor show that was somewhat involved (it was a strip-tease -- don't ask), but otherwise, happy mediums can be reached with a little experimentation.
  4. Don't be too quick to dismiss what you're hearing -- you might actually like it yourself, or discover aspects of the experience that you never expected.
Ok, so what do you do if your partner is not sex-positive enough to have this discussion? Well, you can look for clues during your next coupled session, and see what you can run with. Then later, in a non-sexual, non-pressurized environment, mention "I noticed that when I did X, you seemed to enjoy that -- what did you think?" and see if you can explore that a bit more.

Also, you should know your partner better than anyone. Well, hopefully you do. I'm assuming committed, long-term relationships here. So make some educated guesses based on their personality. Maybe it's just my own hobby, but I know I've been able to do that pretty well with my own partners over time -- even if it was something my partner didn't expect to like. And that can be even better. :-P

Ok, it's getting warm in here as I think back on these things. So I have to go.

Happy humping. :-)

Have a question or a suggestion for a future topic? E-mail me at facetsblog@gmail.com.

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