Post 3.2 - Three Is A Magic Number

Ah, threesomes.

For some people, this is one of the ultimate sexual fantasies. And most of these people are men. Although admittedly, among my own girlfriends, there was more than one that enjoyed the idea, also.

There are pros and cons to threesomes, of course - to any sort of group situation, really. The first and most obvious pro is that there is more to play with, should you have interest in the additional playthings available. This also leads to a con, because you may not have any interest in those additional playthings, and feel like you have to compete for what you want.

I have had positive and negative experiences myself, but as in all situations, it depends on the people involved.  When it's right and it's really working, well - I can only speak for myself, of course - but I feel like I completely disappear into the sexual energy. Every part of me feels alive and stimulated and just like I'm a live wire, with this indescribable electricity emanating from my core. It's a completely different kind of intensity than what we get from just being with one other person at a time, maybe because so much more can be happening in more places. I already consider myself a very sexual being, but when it's heightened to that level, it's like any veneer of civilized behavior is just gone in favor of sensation, and you are linked together with these other people as the energy just builds and builds. It's a sense of absolute and dominating sexual continuity.

And of course, when it's bad, it's... ugh. It's like, get OFF me. And it isn't a question of how good a person might be at doing certain things, but whether they connect. It's not just about rubbing things together or putting things in your mouth or other places. Connection becomes everything.

Because there are some people that just shouldn't be doing that.


Well, first, if a couple is seeking a third, they have to be a solid couple. Which is to say, they have to be secure enough in their relationship to separate the sex from the emotion to a degree, and not be jealous. If the couple is too new, in my experience, or too inexperienced (for lack of a better word), somebody is going to get territorial because s/he can't share that connection.

Second, if a heterosexual couple is seeking a third, it is probably going to require one of them to be at least heteroflexible. Or at least, I think so - it's a much more satisfying experience for all involved if all three can be involved, rather than having to take turns or avoid touching or some such nonsense. Who wants that? I'm not saying it can't work, but it certainly wouldn't be my preference, and in my experience of discussing with contemporaries, such boundaries just make things awkward. Of course, some couples do maintain boundaries around intercourse, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing if everyone agrees, but no one should be unwilling to interact with someone of their own gender in this situation, no matter how one might self-identify outside of this situation.

The most rare but best threesomes are those that happen spontaneously. I have no magic formula for how, why or when this occurs - but there is something enormously intimate, erotic, and satisfying about three people who are close just coming together and enjoying themselves in that way. It is definitely a special, memorable experience, and tends to be ten times hotter, IMHO.

In the end, it all becomes a delicate balance. There have been some relationships I've had where such situations were totally fine, and others where I just wouldn't be able to tolerate it - so it really does depend on who is involved and where the emotions are. Be honest about it with yourself and your partner, and make sure you hear what your partner is telling you, too.

And then there is the question of why it is happening.

A lot of couples - married or not - want to find ways to add more adventure or diversity to their sexual relationships, and this might be a direction they choose. Others may feel that they married young and their experience is limited, so they might decide to be "swingers" as a couple. None of these solutions are wrong if there is good communication between partners and there is agreement about it. I have a problem with one partner doing anything like this just because the other partner wants it - that should be a red flag.

Ok, so why bring this up?

Well, in talking with so many people of different genders, ages, and sexualities, sex lives continue to be complicated, and the stories I hear are pretty interesting as to the lengths people go for excitement, as well as their reasons for doing so. It makes me wonder how prevalent such approaches are in the greater population because of the way society and even lifespans have changed.

I mean, at the risk of sounding all National Geographic about it, let's look at history for a moment.

When people married in the way back, life expectancy might be 30, up to 40 or so if you were lucky. Yes, there were some who lived longer, but on average. So if you married at 18, your life just wasn't that long that you had to think you were going to spend 50, 60, 70 years with this one person and never look at anyone else ever again.

I think about one of my ancestors, who was actually known for occasionally cheating on his wife. He married his wife when he was 17, and she was 16 and pregnant. They went on to have 8 children; she lived to be 84, and he lived to be 99. Now think about that. They were married for over 68 years. When they were born, the life expectancy in the US for males was 39, and for females was 41. I don't think either one of them as teenagers had any idea how long they would be together, let alone 68 years. They had no reason to think they'd be together through so many presidents.

These days, we expect to live to retirement and longer - 70, at least. So I think it is reasonable that lots of people either wait to get married until they've experienced more, if they marry at all, or they look at these alternative ways of dealing with their sexuality, desire and curiosity, whether married or not.

And this also goes back to the origins of human sexuality, as well.

Humans have sex and sexual contact for reasons other than procreation, as we all know, but we're not the only ones. Dolphins will masturbate each other, there are species of baboon who greet each other with a penis stroke, and bonobos have sexual contact for almost as many diverse and complicated reasons as humans do. It is a whole bonding thing - and not just pair-bonding or mating, specifically - but for goodwill, for increased intimacy toward sharing resources, protection, even health reasons. There is a tribe of humans in the Pacific where younger males fellate older males, as this is believed to begin production of sperm in the younger males. In the Amazon, there is a tribe that believes that babies result from a specific capacity of sperm, so a woman will sleep with several men, hoping her eventual child will receive specific traits from each male, and all the males consider themselves the child's father. And there are some sociologists now who believe that lesbianism may have found its roots in early humans, where a widowed female might seek out an older female to assist with child-rearing and maintaining the home and resources.

So human sexuality is... well, sometimes weird.

So back to threesomes.

If it's something you want to try, and want it enough that you want to act on it, make sure you understand the reasons for wanting it. Make sure you have open and honest communication with your partner and it is something s/he wants to do, and that you can both be comfortable with the idea of seeing the other interact.

AND... be prepared for and accepting of a negative response.

If you're a single person or otherwise an individual seeking this, try to get to know the couple or other participants enough to determine how they will react and if it will be a positive experience. Spontaneity can be hot, but much hotter if it all turns out well rather than ends in drama.

Have a question or a suggestion for a future topic? E-mail me at


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